i’m fine how’s you ???
Some jobs just don’t give a shit about people & mine is no different.
I sometimes ask myself is all worth it & the answer is always no
My condolences @hotmetalI'm still off work. Sleep is all over the place but better than it was, and I have done A LOT of sleeping, I am defo exhausted. The physical pain is still there but has come down a notch and I've spent a fortune on chiropractor and osteopath. Annoyingly, I was on my way to a chiropractor appointment and sat stationary in a traffic jam and some utter cockwomble rear ended me. Fortunately no real damage but didn't need it.
I'm sad to admit there have been times I have (passively) wished the struggle would be over. However I've really had to check myself this week because one of my buddies from karate went home after our training session and never woke up. Same age as me (mid 50s) and fit. Real nice guy too, always trained with his 12 year old son, who found him. Terrible business, and it hasn't sunk in yet. He would have been opening a new class today. We're going to try to get the council to let us plant a tree in his name.
I’ve been shit lately, really shit. Falling down a lot due to my arthritic knees combined with the unbalancing effects of acute anxiety. The dark nights don’t help and my lack of activity has meant my weight has crept back up. Whereas six years ago, I could drop down and do 45 press ups, I doubt I’d manage ten now. Going for a pee is hard work. Money is shit, debts here and there and I’ve got to the stage I can’t look after myself for more than a couple of days on my own.
And it’s bloody hard to write this here but it got so bad last Tuesday after yet another fall that I took an overdose in an attempt to end it all. Couldn’t even get that right! Not so much a cold, calm and calculated effort but more a spur of the moment attempt due to an overwhelming need for the pain in my knees and between my ears to stop once and for all. I was due to take pain meds and as I usually decant my blister packs into an old pill bottle, I wolfed the bloody lot. Nigh on 100 Gabapentin.
So blue light to A&E after my Fiancée discovered what I’d done and I thought they’d pump my stomach then section me. Nope. Vitals taken regularly and bloods plus constant monitoring and I never even conked out! It would have been a very different story if I’d had a drink and popped a good few Co-codomol too
Picking up a bit now but still down there. Just so fucking ashamed I put my loved ones through it all.
As a close mate of mine said to me, it wasn’t so much that I wanted to kill myself but that I couldn’t cope with the pain of being alive and wanted said pain to stop. Big difference. A sudden and massive, overpowering rush of negative emotion post-fall.
Sod that, I’ve too much to lose and so much to live for. Just got to find a better way of keeping on, keeping on.
Sorry if any of this offends or is too close to the bone. I can hardly believe I’ve actually typed it here but there you are.
It pains me to read of others’ woes here too but it strangely comforts me in that I know I’m not alone and you all are still here, still fighting.
Right, I’m back off under my rock.
You are certainly not alone G, you can always be sure of that, this time of year doesn't help matters when you feel the pressure to be festive and often this is the last thing you are feeling.I’ve been shit lately, really shit. Falling down a lot due to my arthritic knees combined with the unbalancing effects of acute anxiety. The dark nights don’t help and my lack of activity has meant my weight has crept back up. Whereas six years ago, I could drop down and do 45 press ups, I doubt I’d manage ten now. Going for a pee is hard work. Money is shit, debts here and there and I’ve got to the stage I can’t look after myself for more than a couple of days on my own.
And it’s bloody hard to write this here but it got so bad last Tuesday after yet another fall that I took an overdose in an attempt to end it all. Couldn’t even get that right! Not so much a cold, calm and calculated effort but more a spur of the moment attempt due to an overwhelming need for the pain in my knees and between my ears to stop once and for all. I was due to take pain meds and as I usually decant my blister packs into an old pill bottle, I wolfed the bloody lot. Nigh on 100 Gabapentin.
So blue light to A&E after my Fiancée discovered what I’d done and I thought they’d pump my stomach then section me. Nope. Vitals taken regularly and bloods plus constant monitoring and I never even conked out! It would have been a very different story if I’d had a drink and popped a good few Co-codomol too
Picking up a bit now but still down there. Just so fucking ashamed I put my loved ones through it all.
As a close mate of mine said to me, it wasn’t so much that I wanted to kill myself but that I couldn’t cope with the pain of being alive and wanted said pain to stop. Big difference. A sudden and massive, overpowering rush of negative emotion post-fall.
Sod that, I’ve too much to lose and so much to live for. Just got to find a better way of keeping on, keeping on.
Sorry if any of this offends or is too close to the bone. I can hardly believe I’ve actually typed it here but there you are.
It pains me to read of others’ woes here too but it strangely comforts me in that I know I’m not alone and you all are still here, still fighting.
Right, I’m back off under my rock.
Well said mate.Graeme, so sorry to read this. I've been wondering where and how you were because I have always enjoyed your posts on here, (enjoyed the funny ones about Matron, obviously nothing to enjoy in reading this one). I totally get what you say about the difference between wanting to kill yourself and just wanting the pain to end. It's where you end up when you see no way out. I've often passively thought that life would be easier if I was dead (I know) and sometimes thought well I will not do that but perhaps one day I won't wake up. Right up until my friend didn't wake up. I feel like a right twat for having even had those thoughts, but you can't very easily control what thoughts pop up, only how you react to them. Seeing the sadness at Andy's funeral of his kids and his elderly parents as well as us from the karate club really brought it home, you don't want to be the hole in someone's life. Please ping me a DM if you want to chat mate. And keep fighting.
G, don't forget, Gabapentin side effects can include despair and suicidal ideation. So if that's what you're experiencing, firstly don't beat yourself up, it might be the meds tipping you over the edge. Also, your GP needs to be aware, as it might be that they need to try something else instead of gbp for the pain.Nigh on 100 Gabapentin.