WORLD CUP FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE
- Thread starter antdad
- Start Date
- Messages
- 6,286
- Location
- New Forest, England.
Belladdicts are on the march. No idea where to or how. Bit like my Pompey team.
- Messages
- 3,894
Nice little World Cup Fixture calendar here
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- Messages
- 1,026
- Location
- Ayrshire
antdad said:
Best post ever.
Thank you.
I've only just looked at a fixture list. I didn't realise Spain are drawn against Honduras for the group stages. Think I might have to let Rooney go already and buy a goat thrower* instead.
*apologies for any Spaniards reading this, but I haven't a clue who plays up front for Spain so I'm sticking to generalisations rather than looking foolish.
*apologies for any Spaniards reading this, but I haven't a clue who plays up front for Spain so I'm sticking to generalisations rather than looking foolish.
- Messages
- 8,392
- Location
- Little Feckwittering-on-the-Moor
I have never "got" Emile Heskey, ever.
The best joke was when David Blaine did his above the below that's below the above AND I'M IN A BOX WITHOUT FOOD ABOVE THE ABOVE BELOW BELOW ABOVE.
*ahem*
"why didn't David Blaine do anything special by doing nothing in a box for 44 days? BECAUSE HESKEY'S BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS!"
ARE YOU EMILE HESKEY QUIZ?
1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?
a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the ref will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.
2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?
a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you fuck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.
3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from overhead. How do you react to this?
a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.
4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?
a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the fuck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of shit on a skateboard....?
5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?
a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from Watford.
6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance ahead of you, so what do you do?
a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.
7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?
a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, a pulled bank balance and an ego-strain.
8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?
a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.
9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to your new club?
a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, Emile
The best joke was when David Blaine did his above the below that's below the above AND I'M IN A BOX WITHOUT FOOD ABOVE THE ABOVE BELOW BELOW ABOVE.
*ahem*
"why didn't David Blaine do anything special by doing nothing in a box for 44 days? BECAUSE HESKEY'S BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS!"
ARE YOU EMILE HESKEY QUIZ?
1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?
a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the ref will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.
2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?
a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you fuck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.
3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from overhead. How do you react to this?
a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.
4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?
a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the fuck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of shit on a skateboard....?
5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?
a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from Watford.
6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance ahead of you, so what do you do?
a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.
7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?
a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, a pulled bank balance and an ego-strain.
8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?
a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.
9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to your new club?
a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, Emile
- Messages
- 8,392
- Location
- Little Feckwittering-on-the-Moor
IanM said:
If he is past it, it's unique because the only other thing recorded as being slower than him is the Indian tectonic plate.
OP
- Messages
- 10,991
- Thread Starter
- #48
Antdad's predictable prediction:
Brazil v Spain final...Brazil to win.
Argentina as an outside pick.
Dutch will burn bright but fade.
England and Italy to crash and burn in early knock out stages.
France hopeless.
Germany lucky.
Other team + player to look out for
Paraguay + Barrios
Uruguay + Suarez
Chile + Suazo
5 hours or so till deadline. GOODLUCK to all Manager's.
Brazil v Spain final...Brazil to win.
Argentina as an outside pick.
Dutch will burn bright but fade.
England and Italy to crash and burn in early knock out stages.
France hopeless.
Germany lucky.
Other team + player to look out for
Paraguay + Barrios
Uruguay + Suarez
Chile + Suazo
5 hours or so till deadline. GOODLUCK to all Manager's.