Last night's shave which arrives in old English play format and so themed, 'Shakespeare and his Merry shaves of Windsor'
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A midsummer's razor - Occams Enoch
The Merchant of Menace - Schick Proline
MacBrush - PAA Peregrino
Much ado about soap - Penhaligons Bayolea
The taming of the skin - Simple moisturiser
The Merry scents of Windsor - Extro Arzachena
The not a comedy of errors - Me
'Alas poor Yorick. Thou did warn thee of the trials and tribulations of shaveth with a razor of straight edge'
A shave based loosely on the play 'Enoch' by the little known Arthur Shakespeare, William's third mother's second cousin twice removed (from life and persistently returning), great great aunties middle child of two.
We open to the changing of the shave in a rather cramped bathroom where a ghostly apparition has made its presence be known on several occasions. A mysterious lady has been know to demand bathroom space many times during the Winter of discomfort where some dodgy pork and a lack of toilet tissue has lead to regular bowl movements and panic. Rumours are abound this ghostly appearance may well be a lady in desperation for the lavatory....
ACT 1
⟨Scene 1⟩
Enter Bernard and Frank, two of the shaving community.
Bernard : Who’s there?
Franky : Nay, answer me. Shave and remove your bearded face.
Bernard : Long live the shave. And the king!
Franky : Bernard? Hurrah hurrah for shaving. Gillette Kings are testicular by the way
Bernard : He.
Franky : He? What reply of sorts does thou consider He? It meaneth Jack excrement to me. You shave most carefully upon your hour.
Bernard : ’Tis now struck six. Get thee to the sink you, you, you Franky person
Franky : For this facial relief much thanks. ’Tis bitter cold this water, and I am sick at heart for I cannot lather.
Bernard : Have you shaveth well this day?
Franky : Not a hair remaineth
Bernard : Well, a good shave thou had.
If you do meet Fellatio and Marcellus
the rivals of my shaving, bid them a bad time with their razors.
Enter Fellatio and Marcellus.
Franky : I think I hear them.—Stand ho! Who shaves there?
Fellatio: Friends to this ground. And we bring our good fellow, Enoch the blade
Marcellus : liegemen to the Dane.
Franky : Give you good night. May I ask, what be a liegeman?
Marcellus :O farewell, honest ⟨soldier.⟩ Who hath relieved you? Just some chap who has liege. And don't ask what is a.....
Franky : Bernard hath my razor Give you good night and a good lathering
Franky exits.
Marcellus : Hola, Barnardo.
Bernard : Say, what, is there? Are we now speaking Spanish? Alvarez Gomez anyone
Fellatio : piece of him.
Bernard : Welcome, Fellatio.—Welcome, good Marcellus and may your shaves be most excellent. Party on dude.
(Enter Bill and Ted)
Fellatio : Who is this Enoch thing that has appeared again tonight?
Bernard : I have seen nothing, except this mighty fine razor in which the blade falls out occasionally
Marcellus : Fellatio says ’tis but our fantasy
and will not let the cursed brush take hold of him.Touching this dreaded brush has seen two goals pass our net from those evils cloaked in blue. Therefore I have entreated him with the Peregrino to make a shave more comforting of this night. That, if again this curse shall lift above he may approve our washroom and shave with more faith.
Fellatio : Tush, tush, ’twill not appear, but though does question your words and what they actually mean. Thou speaketh in gibberish
Bernard : Sit down awhile, and let us once again assail your ears that are so fortified against our story, what we have two nights of SOTD's seen.
Fellatio :Well, sit we down and let us hear Bernard speak of this.
Bernard : Last night of all when yond same soap that’s westward from the barber pole
had made his course t’ illume that part of face where now it burns, Marcellus and myself, the bell end then beating one self...
Enter a ghost
Marcellus : Ah testicles to this one, thou speaketh shiteus and one shall go and take a fine bit of sink time in the ladies room. This evening will not bide well and will end with those Otoboketh Beaverum ladies and their music from the depths of depravity. Which soundeth to my ears with blessings. I bid you a fine evening my fellow shavateers.
As it is I failed my O'level in English Literature (not difficult in my case) as I refused to learn an uneconomical form of English where words were involved in a breeding process. The grammatical equivalent of, 'going to your local Co-Op via Glasgow' (which obviously doesn't ring true if you do actually live in Glasgow). God damn it, no! After all I was brought up in the mining villages of South Yorkshire where English was considered a waste of breath and 'going to your local Co-Op via Glasgow' was more 'G' t' Cp'. Or the 'T'Cworp' as my mother would say.
If you have managed to get this far then well done, but of I was you I'd have just looked at the opening photo then skipped to the compulsory Japanese ladies at the end. But.....
The question though is, did you shave or just here to scribble some old twaddle? Both.
After a number of superb shaves with the Bayolea, out in comes again to prove its worth. The cursed brush can remain in the cupboard until I can find time to take it to the local church for a blessing. And perhaps a shave while there being as there is a nice sink in the building.
The Enoch has well shown itself to be a top notch razor on my an occasion, this time out being no different. Quick (Quicker than it is taking to throw this lot together), accurate and incredibly efficient. Neither did the blade fall out. A big plus.
Altogether a shave of Shakespearean proportions and shorter than having to endure a number of tedious hours to arrive at, 'and they all lived happily ever after'.
It is but that moment where you are to enjoy the pleasuring of some fair maidens from a country far to the East. Tis but those Otoboketh Beaverum....
And now it is time to leave this SOTD and in the final words of Revelations, 'Thou shall fuckest off'