Terry has a terrible car accident and is immediately taken to the nearest hospital. After several days he wakes up. The doctor tells him there is a problem. He explains that Terry's penis had been ripped off in the accident. Terry is devastated. He leaves hospital after a week and rings his insurance company. The man on the phone explains the insurance policy:
"sorry to hear of your troubles sir. Your penis was covered for £9000. You can take this in cash or Reconstructive surgery will be £1000 per inch, and you will have a brand new penis and everything will be back to normal. We strongly advise our customers to talk this through with their partners because it is a decision that affects them too. For example, if you were rather large before, then it may be best to opt for the full £9000 in order to give yoursleves what you had been use to before. Alternatively, if you were on the smaller side, you can opt for the same size and collect the remainder in cash. Please do talk to your partner and let us know by the end of the week what your decision is"
A few days later, terry rings up the insurer:
"hello sir, thanks for calling back. what decision have you come to?"
Terry: "I'll take the £9000 in cash, we're getting a bloody new kitchen"
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
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A well known and jovial Rabbi, Rabbi Bernstein, passes away. His jewish wife visits the local paper's office in order to give notice to it's orbituary section.
"How much does it cost?" she asks.
"It is £1 per word" the clerk replies.
"Ok, write this 'Bernstein dead'" she says.
"There is a minimum £5 fee" the clerk explains. She thinks for a short while and says
"Bernstein Dead. Volvo for sale"