PIF - if you make me laugh **May be NSFW**

Rev-O

Rev-O

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You guys have been great to me while I've ill and I'm pleased to report that although not yet a 100% I am much mended and returning to work next week.

So now I want to do something for you:I will PIF (= give away) a complete starter kit to the best joke i.e. the one that makes me laugh the most.

The kit comprises: cheap but brand new boar brush, couple of soaps, some asb, a Gillette TTO (Knack/Twist type), and some blades. Enough to use as a back-up kit for work or travel or, better still, to pass on to a DE curious friend. I'll also add my "Newbie Intro" print-out which goes over basic tools and techniques.

So: jokes, please.

Post the jokes up here to give everyone some smiles and it's a win/win. Competition closes in a wee or a week whichever comes first.

And remember: God loves you.
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

a mate of mine has just asked me to run a marathon

but as i'm not very fit these days i declined

he pleaded with me saying "it's for blind kids and spastics"

fuck it i thought

i could win that

:lol:

couldn't resist
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

Glad to hear you are nearly back to fighting fitness.

I can never think of jokes when prompted (I am more of a spontaneous wit), but I'll try!!!!
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

i've just been arrested again for giving the bird a slap :roll:

polis boy asks "why do you keep beating the wife"

"nifty-footwork, superior reach and significant weight advantage"

says i
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

A teacher arrives at a school to fill in for an absent member of staff. The headmaster asks her name and she says "Miss Franny". "Ooh, I don't think I'll remember that" says the head. "It's easy" says the teacher, "just think of Fanny with an R". The teacher is taken along to the classful of children and the head is introducing her to her new class he says "Children, I'd like you to meet your new teacher... Miss Crunt!"
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

speaking of such things as freebies Ollie, Hando posted me a chunk of Cella if you would like half?
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

A woman went to the Doctor to ask him to prescribe something to restore her husband's ardour, and this he did.
The following morning he arrived at the surgery to find the same woman sitting on his doorstep to beg an antidote for the prescription - seemingly that previous afternoon she had been leaning over the deep-freeze when her husband had run across and pleasured her from behind.
When the Doctor asked her what was wrong with that - was that not what she had wanted? she replied:-
"Not in Sainburys' it wasn't"
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

Sorry about the sound but I don't think this really counts...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YxolTgw2xs&feature=related[/youtube]
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

A God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your life better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments? How much are they?"

"They're free."

"Good then, we'll take 10!"
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

Church newsletter and noticeboard extracts...

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth football team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

Whatever happened to one liners? :shock:



I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

Three lads in a lap dancing club are watching a busty blonde gyrating on a pole. The Nottingham lad stuck £20 on her left buttock.. Not to be out done the Scouse lad stuck £30 on her right buttock. The Glaswegian lad swiped his Visa down the crack of her arse and took the £50 cashback!
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over two the other & says... Ive never come this way before.
The other nun whispers.....Its the cobblestones!
 
Re: PIF - if you make me laugh

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
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