- Messages
- 615
John and Bob are sitting in the pub, enjoying a couple of quiet pints, when Bob glances at his watch and gasps "Oh, fuck, have you seen the time?"
"What's the matter?'' asks John.
"It's the Missus" replies Bob, "it's mental. I'll swear I don't make any noise opening the door and I always – but always – take my shoes off immediately, so I'm not making any noise that way."
"I know that the third stair creaks so I miss that and, just like the door, I'll swear I don't make noise going up the stairs. I've made sure that the bathroom door is well oiled and doesn't creak – so there's no noise there either."
"I take all my clothes off in the bathroom because I don't want to disturb her when I go into the bedroom; I'll open the door an absolute minimum – making sure there's no light to disturb – and slide incredibly gently under the duvet. . . . . . . . . . . . and then she'll start............."Where have you been? What time do you call this?" and all the other grief I always get."
"I'm at my wits end and I really don't know how she does it."
"Ah, well," says John, smiling "you're doing it all wrong you see."
"Eh? But I can't possibly be quieter, I'll swear it."
"That's what I'm getting at." says John. "I'll leave here and wander down the street to the house. Now I like singing, as you know, and it's not unknown for me to sing – albeit quietly – on the way home. I like to know that the front door is shut so I always slam it and, of course, once I'm in the house I can sing louder."
"Yes, some of the stairs creak but why should I worry? So I'll go straight into the bathroom and attend to nature but, I have to be honest, I hate stumbling around in the dark so, when I go into the bedroom I always turn the light on."
"Once I can see what I'm doing I can take my clothes off and dump them on the floor before sliding under the old duvet."
"Of course, once I'm there there is every chance I might feel the old stirrings so I'll smack her on the arse and say “So, any chance of a shag then?†. . . . . . . . and do you know something?"
"She's – always – fast asleep!"
"What's the matter?'' asks John.
"It's the Missus" replies Bob, "it's mental. I'll swear I don't make any noise opening the door and I always – but always – take my shoes off immediately, so I'm not making any noise that way."
"I know that the third stair creaks so I miss that and, just like the door, I'll swear I don't make noise going up the stairs. I've made sure that the bathroom door is well oiled and doesn't creak – so there's no noise there either."
"I take all my clothes off in the bathroom because I don't want to disturb her when I go into the bedroom; I'll open the door an absolute minimum – making sure there's no light to disturb – and slide incredibly gently under the duvet. . . . . . . . . . . . and then she'll start............."Where have you been? What time do you call this?" and all the other grief I always get."
"I'm at my wits end and I really don't know how she does it."
"Ah, well," says John, smiling "you're doing it all wrong you see."
"Eh? But I can't possibly be quieter, I'll swear it."
"That's what I'm getting at." says John. "I'll leave here and wander down the street to the house. Now I like singing, as you know, and it's not unknown for me to sing – albeit quietly – on the way home. I like to know that the front door is shut so I always slam it and, of course, once I'm in the house I can sing louder."
"Yes, some of the stairs creak but why should I worry? So I'll go straight into the bathroom and attend to nature but, I have to be honest, I hate stumbling around in the dark so, when I go into the bedroom I always turn the light on."
"Once I can see what I'm doing I can take my clothes off and dump them on the floor before sliding under the old duvet."
"Of course, once I'm there there is every chance I might feel the old stirrings so I'll smack her on the arse and say “So, any chance of a shag then?†. . . . . . . . and do you know something?"
"She's – always – fast asleep!"